Thursday, May 22, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
My Breasts Have Fallen and They Can’t Get Up
So I poured them into my trusty C-Cup
My Bra is old, as am I
Don’t ask me what size, I’d only lie
The solution is simple, the answer is clear
I must do that thing that I most fear
I must go to the store and shop and compare
And buy a new bra, and perhaps underwear
Frederick and Victoria both make me tense
But I had a plan that seemed to make sense
I would go get a Playtex, the famous ‘Cross Your Heart’
Found in the middle of my local Wal-Mart
I saw bras in boxes, I saw bras on racks
With hooks in the fronts, the sides, and the backs
I breezed right past the cute and the flirty
And found the back section, for us over thirty
And in a dark corner, down by the floor
Were sizes for those weighing 150 or more
The selection was grim, the colors were bleak
But at least the elastic, it didn’t look weak
Canvas is used instead of black lace
Style, femininity, class – not a trace!
I saw four or five that maybe might fit
If I didn’t reach up, lean forward, or sit
There at the fitting room, about to go in
I was stopped by a clerk who was tired and grim
Her word is law, only three items at a time
Then get yourself dressed and get back into line
To try on the others; left (to my dismay)
Like a very cruel dieter’s incentive display
I try on the first one, miles of white
How can something so damn big be too tight?
The next is no better, the straps cut like knives
But at last with the third, a miracle arrives
It fits rather well; I can sit, I can breathe!
I’ll just buy it and then, Thank God, I can leave
But wait, what’s that tingle I’m starting to feel
In the fancy underwires – made of forged stainless steel?
It seems that the metal is picking up transmissions
From an AM station that plays music for Christians
I can feel it, I can hear it, as my bosom vibrates
To the sweet gentle notes of old Amazing Grace
I think I can live with this, I decide that it’s worth it
The music is minor, compared to the great fit
Then fate and the DJ deal a most heartless blow
The next song is loudly and clearly Swing Low
So I try on six more, then seven and eight
I cannot find one I don’t totally hate
The lesser of evils becomes my next goal
My God! This isn’t a cup, it’s a stiff ugly bowl
So here is the one I bought at long last
Now please excuse me, I’m going to get smashed
I deserve a drink, a smoke, and a lay
Because I went out and bought a bra today
PennyAnn Carmichael Wood©1999
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I had a Serbian gentleman come to dinner one time, years ago, when I was living in a dusty border town. Tall and good looking in a John Larroquette sort of way. It was from him that I first heard the term, “Bukrah inshallah” which translates to , “Tomorrow, Allah Willing” which as you may imagine is not an airtight promise.
Since then I have heard the remark, supposedly from a Clancy novel,
“insh\'allah carries the same meaning as mañana, but without the urgency.” Which is hilarious if you’ve ever experienced true Mañana.
So when, on Thursday, I said I would finish the Lemonade Chronicles tomorrow, I really should have said,
“so mañana we will review Emergen-C Pink.” But I couldn’t figure out how to make the little eñe N. And of course I didn’t say Bukrah Enshallah because I would have had to look it up and then I would have had to explain it. . . .
So. Emergen-C Pink. I told y’all yesterday (four days ago) about the proceeds going to Keep-a-Breast. Today we talk about the product itself.
Emergen-C is a vitamin supplement that emphasizes vitamin C and B. It is a powder that you add to water that fizzes. It comes in different formulas and flavors. Emergen-C Pink is pink lemonade flavored.
A 36 packet box of Emergen-C Pink costs roughly 12.00 dollars US. Which is 33 cents a packet. With a recommended dosage of 2-4 packets a day. Every day. Which is a wee bit more expensive than Flintstones Silver. Or was that Centrum Chewables? Either way it costs more than normal OTC vitamins. But less than some of the fru-fru health club concoctions.
Each packet of Emergen-C Pink has 25 calories. Which if you are a Weight Watcher you know is the five calories it takes to go from zero points to one point. Times 2-4 times a day. So if I were to take the minimum recommended dose I would have to give up one Bud Light a day. Just sayin.
Okay, so you think your health is worth from sixty-six cents to a dollar thirty three a day and you measure your dietary needs in something other than ‘points’. You want to know more about the product.
Every Pink Ribbon Product Review that we do here will include a discussion about the specific shade of pink. The packaging sports a pink ribbon (surprise!) against a pink background that fades from light to dark. A very non-obnoxious pink. The lighter color pink reminds me of those chalky hearts we used to eat as kids around valantines day. The package also has a picture of a normal lemon that is cut into a wedge, showcasing a pink interior. As I may have mentioned before – there is no such thing as a pink lemon!!!!!!!
So, rip open the foil packet (easy) and pour into glass of water. It fizzes. It is a pleasant enough pink shade, natural looking. Well as natural as can be given that there is no such thing as a pink lemon. I first tried Emergen-C Pink when I had a cold. I’m a firm believer in locking the barn door after. . . . .
Anyway, when I first tried Emergen-C Pink I liked the pleasant tart/sweet lemonade flavor. It didn’t taste like fresh lemons but it didn’t taste like Pledge furniture polish either.
When I no longer had a cold I again tried it. I could taste the vitamins. (Shudder and grimace) I do not like taking regular one-a-day vitamins because when I open the jar the vitamin smell assaults my nose and makes me gag ~ so I think I may be a bit sensitive. My adult son tried it and liked it just fine. Didn’t notice any discernable vitamin taste.
But did it give me more energy? Well, I imagine if I could remember to take it twice a day it might. Or it might not. If you take the four packets a day you will be getting 100% of the recommended daily allowance of Pantothenic Acid, and I don’t think anyone else can promise you that.
Oh, never mind. Seems that Pantothenic Acid is another name for B5. Who knew?
So – on the subject of Emergen-C Pink we are vehemently undecided. I suspect that if you are into supplements you will enjoy the fizziness and all those vitamins will make you feel healthier – whether they make you healthier or not. And if you just aren’t into supplements you’ll never remember to take it so it couldn’t do you any good.
Our next Pink Ribbon Product Review will be the Pink Sharpie! But it may take awhile to write because I have to edit out this huge ZT diatribe that threatens an otherwise thoughtful and well balanced review.
Have a Wonderful Healthy Week!